The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question