The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
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Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before