@BoomBoomBetty

The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

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@soyourelikethat

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@Author_jo_jo

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

@LlamaInaTux

Robber: give me your money

Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke

Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20

Me: thanks dude

Robber: no problem. Now give me your money

@DancesWithTamis

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

@truegritrumble

KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.

@3sunzzz

If you love someone, let them go.

If they don’t come back, get a dog.

@HatfieldAnne

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”