The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.

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I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.


[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey


“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.


Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”


For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.


Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?


If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.


M: Wanna try tantrum sex?

W: You mean “tantric”?

M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!


Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.


Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right