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When you take Google Maps too seriously.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
Control this is astronaut Douglas sending transmission from the Milky Way..we have no signs of chocolate..or caramel..I’d like to come home
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.