The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
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As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
They’re on their honeymoon
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!