The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
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If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.