The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
You Might Also Like
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
and this one
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important