the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
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You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Free him
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.