The legends speak of a third Duran…
You Might Also Like
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
💁🏻♂️
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm