The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
You Might Also Like
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
(True)
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Very good! 👍😂
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?