Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.