@MelvinofYork

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

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@primawesome

Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.

@thejamietighe

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

@Maxine12333

Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.

@rickkondell

It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.

@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@ExcuseMyTweets

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.

@noog

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

@thenoahkinsey

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

@TylerLinkin

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.