The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
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The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
North and South
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
🖤✌🏽
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Overindulged this afternoon.