Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.

This took me a few seconds.. 😅

Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.

If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Person: *wearing cargo shorts*

Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.

Him: *Head in hands*

Her: What’s happened?

Him: Well- I…I… I found this head

I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.

[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER

After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.

[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.

Wife: Who gets the raptors?

estão todos miauvindo?

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.

Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f

[SyFy pitch meeting]

Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon

So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot

wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep

[creation of insects]

LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have

SCOOBY DOO: rabies

SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.