The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Best things to pull:
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
estão todos miauvindo?
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.