The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
I have never related to a cat more
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.