The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.