The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
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[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.