“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
a nightmare where I’m performing disney on ice – but I don’t know how to do it, so I panic and just fireman-carry my partner around the arena for the entire seven and a half minute song, serenaded by the boos of furious children
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
