The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
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Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
My safe word is Worcestershire
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face