The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
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Milk Cube
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.