The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
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Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling