the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
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You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.