The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
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Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
In banana years, I am bread.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!