The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
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I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”