The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
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Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Lmao
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.