The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
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I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary