The little toadstool has spoken.
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[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
If you’re angry at somebody and subtweeting them and it’s not me please add “Not you Jim.” at the end. Thank you.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
🙋♀️
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies