The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
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Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
i baked you a cake
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.