The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver just told me that he鈥檚 been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER鈥檚 and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Looks like someone鈥檚 thrown Yoda through a window.
99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn鈥檛 very happy about it, but it was time.
I鈥檇 rather fork than spoon.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
My brain at 6am: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 9am: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 1pm: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 5pm: I鈥檓 tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 馃憞馃従
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
There鈥檚 nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn鈥檛 be sticky & it is.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.