[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
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I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled