The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.