I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
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Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says