The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
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my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
john wicks are toilet candles
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Ovenable?
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
Accidentally feng shui’d tonight when everybody wang chunged and I’ve never been more embarrassed. That lamp does look great there though.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.