The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
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did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?