The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
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Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Good dog. ❤️
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
What is wrong with me?!? Asking for a friend..
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
twitter users today:
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?