The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
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Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Yes
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Hard not to take this personally
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are