The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
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Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
I’m putting together a team
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.