The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
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Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Sheer Arrogance”
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.