The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
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you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
I get distracted pretty eas
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.