The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
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I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Breaking news:
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.