@ddsmidt

The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.

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@thisbrokeme

8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?

Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace

@baronvonbike

I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.

@Boleyngirly

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

@internetluke

[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”

@WittySassBasket

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

@kimtopher22

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

@GreenishDuck

Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.

@iGreenGod

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

@dksc4life

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford