The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
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bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Whoa 😂
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
i think my razor is having a panic attack
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
kitchen magnet
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice