The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
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If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Nephew has been doing a bit where when he gets on elevators with adults, in an attempt to fit in he’ll say “I didn’t get the promotion”
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.