The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
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Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
a lot to unpack here
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.