the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
You Might Also Like
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?