the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
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“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??