The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
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Not messing around
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you