The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
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Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
Oops
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
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If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing