The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
You Might Also Like
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
I have many caverns
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Still laughing at this stupid meme
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.