The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
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So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter