The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*
Her: that’s it. I’m leaving
Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.