The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
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Just had my nails done!
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
A choir of Spring onions
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Oh yeah that’s it
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either