The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
I finally found a reason to live again.
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.