The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
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Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”