The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.
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People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.