The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
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*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions